Have you noticed a lack of personal responsibility in our culture today?
No one wants to take responsibility for their own actions. It’s always someone else’s fault.
Has that notion snuck into your home?
It happens from time to time.
Today, I will do my best to equip you with some tools and practices to help you if and when that happens.
Download the Free Good Manners Chart PDF
Includes colorable images for even more fun!
My Child Has an Excuse for Everything!
Have you ever said or thought that?
Making excuses may seem innocent at first. It’s not exactly fun to face punishment or consequences, so children concoct excuses to escape them.
“It’s not my fault!” or “It wasn’t me!” is their usual response.
If not addressed early, however, this shirking of personal responsibility can become a chronic problem later in life.
Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the real world—and the real world doesn’t accept excuses.
So let’s talk about explaining responsibility to a child in a way that empowers them to own up to their mistakes and graciously accept their responsibilities.
What Age Should a Child Be Responsible for Their Actions?
By age 5 and 6, most children can learn to take responsibility and begin to understand the impact their actions have on both themselves and others.
“Every action has a reaction” becomes very clear at this stage.
That said, to help them understand what it means to be responsible, children need clear instruction with examples and age-appropriate expectations.
When you teach children responsible behavior, you help prepare them to be honest, responsible adults.
Oh, how the world needs such a generation!
9 Tips for Teaching Your Child to Stop the Excuses and Take Responsibility
While it’s not an easy task to teach children to accept responsibility, there are things we can do to bring clarity to this all-important job.
1. Identify the Root Causes of Avoidance
Is it shame? Fear of failure?
Are they struggling to process a big emotion?
Talk things through and help them identify why they avoid taking responsibility in the first place.
I’m a firm believer that you can only solve a problem once you clearly identify it—and root out what’s causing it.
2. Keep Your Cool: Admonish and Encourage
In light of this point, I think about Ephesians 4:26:
“Be angry and do not sin.”
Tempers can flare in the face of ill behavior and wrongdoing, but it’s important to not let our frustrations get the best of us.
Instead, we need to respond calmly to their excuses but still make it clear that blame-shifting or shirking responsibilities is unacceptable.
When I was training my sons, having to point out their error, I always tried to be very mindful of my own faults.
Perhaps it would serve us as well, as parents, to admonish with one hand and encourage with the other.
3. Cultivate a Proper Perspective of Mistakes
Our children need to know that everyone makes mistakes, including us, and that no one is perfect.
Some children are so heavily affected by guilt and shame that they will do anything to avoid it, including making excuses and not owning up to their mistakes.
Point out that we all falter from time to time, but the important thing is to be honest, sincere, and do our best to fix the fault if possible—and if not, to learn from it.
4. Let Them See You Being Held Accountable
Children learn by example. Part of learning personal responsibility is seeing what it looks like to be held accountable—and how to respond rightly.
Our children are our greatest imitators, copying everything they see, whether good or bad.
In teaching them responsibility, show them that you, too, have responsibilities; that you, too, face consequences if you don’t meet them.
Model the behavior you want them to show, and use your own mistakes and experiences to teach them valuable life lessons.
5. Clarify Expectations and Responsibilities
When I was growing up, my parents established certain rules at home and set clear consequences for breaking those rules.
As I grew older, I learned to appreciate the boundaries they set, understanding that they were ultimately for my good and that of our family.
We all understood the reasons for these family rules, and as children, we knew when we were about to violate them—even without warning from our parents.
Likewise, we need to be equally as clear with the jobs we assign our kids and the responsibilities they inherit.
In the same way, we need to help them understand the basic principles that govern our daily decisions.
We can’t expect our children to manage their responsibilities well if it’s unclear exactly what they are in the first place.
Charts, checklists, and step-by-step walk-throughs with a parent or older sibling are extremely helpful.
You can even role play and act out ways to show responsibility in difference scenarios and situations.
6. Enforce Consequences Consistently
Consequences are the best of teachers.
While some are certainly parent-enforced, others occur naturally—like when a child doesn’t clean up their spill, and Mom slips on it, injuring her back.
Whether manmade or inevitable, consequences are powerful tools in teaching kids personal responsibility.
The key is to enforce them consistently.
Make it clear that there will be consequences for irresponsible behavior if they misbehave, then be faithful in following through.
Consequences are even more important as your kids grow older. If you’re parenting a teen, check out our responsibility tips for teenagers.
7. Encourage Ownership by Addressing the Heart
Oh, how children love to ask “why?”
Use their questioning and curiosity to explain the “why” behind being responsible.
In fact, we created a set of discussion questions for responsibility for that very reason. Be sure to check them out!
Explain how taking responsibility for their actions is an important part of any healthy relationship.
It builds trust and reliability. It shows a willingness to be honest, faithful, and humble.
When you link an action to a “heart condition” like this, it can be more meaningful.
That’s the approach we take in the Good Manners Guide:
a thoughtful, bible-based approach to teaching good manners!
8. Practice Problem Solving
It’s important for our children to realize that he or she is ultimately responsible for his or her own choices.
Sometimes, those choices produce problems. Therefore it is equally as important to teach them how to react and resolve such issues without blaming others.
Next time your child tries to pass the buck to someone else, bring their focus back to the choice that resulted in whatever unpleasant outcome they’re trying to avoid.
Then, talk them through how to correct and/or avoid that outcome in the future.
9. Engage in Personal Responsibility Activities
It takes a great deal of discipline and maturity for a child to stick with something if it is not fun and enjoyable
Depending on your child’s age and maturity level, you might want to engage them in fun games or activities that teach responsibility.
I love the idea of giving them a little slice of garden to maintain or even just an indoor potted plant to care for.
It Is Possible to Stop the Blame-Shifting
Be encouraged. You are not alone in the struggles you face as you diligently train your children.
It is no simple thing to teach a child to take responsibility for their actions, but it is a needful thing.
Persevere, remain consistent, and you will reap the rewards!
