How to Overcome Fear of Growing Up

My first apartment didn’t allow animals, but creepy critters don’t read a lease. One day I awoke to a bat upon my stomach.

“Fang Face” and I both freaked out.

After a bit of flailing around like bad Salsa dancers … the drama ended.  I was left with no permanent scarring—and one less freeloading furry roommate.

Unlike my batty gyrations, some of us become paralyzed when we’re frightened, and in so doing fail to overcome whatever challenges are upon us. 

While it’s normal for children to look to their parents for protection, it’s not normal that some resist maturity and are gripped with fear of growing up phobia.

God designed for children to grow up, so instead of normalizing fear let’s inspire them to embrace adulthood.

As much as I adore classic literature and the idea of pixie dust, Peter Pan was never intended to be a role model.  

Reasons Why Some Children Fear Growing Up

Like me with Fang Face, are you wildly, haphazardly swinging at a moving target just hoping to send children in the right direction—eventually out the door?

It’s exhausting to expend so much effort, so consider a new strategy:

Patch holes.

If your children are afraid of growing up, there may be gaps in their thinking that need attention. In my apartment, there was a small hole that went unnoticed until there were fangs inches from my face. 

Don’t wait until there is a beast in your midst. 

Preventative maintenance in both our homes and our thinking can help protect our families from unnecessary fear.

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Fear of Adulthood

If adulting seems scary, take comfort; You’re in good company. Even God’s anointed responded with apprehension when faced with the tasks before them as adults.

Moses and King Saul come to mind.

When commanded to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Moses replied in Exodus 4:13, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.”  

In 1 Samuel 10, the prophet Samuel explicitly told Saul that God had chosen him to be King over Israel. Saul’s response? Instead of embracing God’s call upon his life, Saul hid “among the baggage.”

Fear might seem normal, but wallowing in it is not acceptable. 

Fear is the antithesis of faith and ultimately sinful. But praise be to God for His GRACE. 

Moses confessed his fear to God and was strengthened for the tasks before him.  Even Saul, who tried to hide from both God and man, was sought out and given a second chance.  

Fear of Separation

I need second chances daily. 

Years ago I had taken my young son to a water park. In the heat of the day I was blissfully resting on a lounge chair for over an hour— until I wasn’t.

If you thought I was gyrating in the presence of Fang Face, you can’t imagine what it looked like when I finally remembered that I wasn’t supposed to be alone at the water park.

Thankfully God is MERCIFUL and watches over our children when we’re incapable or incompetent.  We’re reminded in the story of Hagar in Genesis 16, that our God is El Roi—The God Who Sees Me.  

God is watching over each person at ALL times, unlike mom or dad who may be away or distracted or unavailable or just … human.

That doesn’t give us license to be neglectful.  However, when we may be physically separated from our children, we can rest in the knowledge that God is omnipresent, all-powerful, and unchanging.  

Fear of Being Alone

Our God is unchanging, but this culture is morphing at a frenetic pace. Facing daily battles, seen or unseen, can be daunting—especially when we feel isolated or alone.

The Sunday school mantra of “Dare to be a Daniel” isn’t especially encouraging when you realize that Daniel was brought into the King’s service because he stood out among the Israelite youth.

He was exceptional, not average.

Yes! We need that story of God’s faithfulness, but it may not resonate with you right now.

Surrounded by piles of laundry and math worksheets, you may not think of yourself as exceptional. More than likely you answer to “Mom,” an unnamed servant in a supporting role.  

But God is FAITHFUL.  He’s given us an unnamed servant in 2 Kings 6:15-17 to encourage us. Elisha and his servant were seemingly alone, under siege by the Syrian army:

“And the servant said, ‘Alas, my master! What shall we do?’  [Elisha] said, ‘Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.’ Then Elisha prayed and said, ‘O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.’ So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.”

You too may be under siege, but one thing is certain. If Jesus is your Savior, you were CHOSEN from before the foundation of the world, and you are not alone.  

Fear of Failure

Since we’re never alone, Christians don’t need to fear failure.

It is amidst the blessings of failure that God grows us. Ultimately, it is through incremental hardships and learning from our mistakes that we are refined into the image of Christ.

My son recently competed at a collegiate tournament at which “participation certificates” were “awarded.”

The sponsor decided to no longer have individual winners or team rankings. Some students even vied as “non-competitors.” At the closing ceremony those students were called across the stage to receive their “non-competitor participation certificates.”

Fear of failure has so permeated our culture that some young adults were scared to officially compete at an event at which there were no winners, losers, or apparent consequences.  

But there are consequences that accompany avoiding failure at all costs. 

When we don’t gradually build resilience and fortitude through both success and failure, we are unprepared when hardships come—and they will.

We need to encourage children to persevere through seemingly insignificant choices and child-sized trials because these are gifts from God to prepare them for the future.

Protecting your child from potential failure today hinders their potential success tomorrow.

Instead, let Luctor et Emergo (I struggle and overcome) become their anthem.

The Bible declares:

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor 12:10)

How To Help Your Child Overcome Their Fear of Growing Up

There’s no magic formula to learn how to get over the fear of growing up, but there are some fundamental things we as adults can do.

1. Remind Them They Have Already “Grown Up”

We grow every day. It’s important to mark milestones, celebrating incremental achievements in the lives of our children. 

• Moving from a crib to toddler bed  
• Swapping the Little Tike Coupe for a bicycle
• Transitioning from a bath to a shower
• Opening a bank account
• Cooking eggs or brownie mix
• Showing Grandma how to use an App or the robotic vacuum

Especially as homeschoolers, it’s important to create opportunities that allow children to demonstrate maturity-in-progress while showing parents where additional training may be needed. 

As the saying goes, “sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees” because we are with our children 24/7.

In our home, our children’s separation from mom or dad wasn’t always accidental.  We intentionally sent each of our children alone on a flight across the country in their early teens.

We watched them go through security and waited for the planes to take off. We checked that they made their connecting flights. We arranged for a family member to pick them up at the other end for a visit, and happily retrieved them after their return flights. 

Learning to navigate somewhat-controlled freedom incrementally builds character in both the parent and child. 

Most of the kids’ trips had no major issues. One teen was stranded for three days due to flight cancellations.

During the 72 hour wait I reacted at times like Fang Face, circling the room aimlessly. 

Our son, on the other hand, had survived being abandoned at the waterpark years earlier. Patiently waiting for a flight while dry, fully clothed and with money for food didn’t phase him in the slightest.  

2. Review God’s Perfect Design for Life

Thankfully, God redeemed my waterpark fiasco. When we experientially know that God can use even our failures for our good and His glory, our faith is strengthened.

Children witnessing God redeem our adult failures bolsters their faith, resulting in less fear of growing up too fast.

Yes, as a parent we are the gatekeepers who will be held accountable for how we train up the children in our care. But when we operate from a position of putting God first, decision-making and growing up becomes easier for the child.

Saint Augustine’s maxim “Dilige et quod vis fac” stands the test of time:

Love [God] and do what you’re inclined to do.  

And 1 John 4:18 rings true for all eternity:

“Perfect love casts out all fear.”

Thus it stands to reason that—when we seek to love God as the basis for our decisions—our natural inclination to fear will dissipate..

3. Equip Them with Scripture

We’re also reminded that the goal of a good teacher is to make oneself progressively unnecessary. So give your children some Scripture to think on, and then send them on their way.

Three of my favorites are:

• “He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

• “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Eph 2:10)

• “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5)

Were You Ever Afraid of Growing Up?

In Judges 4 the Prophetess Deborah relayed a message from God to the leader of the Israelite military: Barak was to go to battle.

Instead of eagerly accepting his assignment, Barak replied to Deborah:

“If you will go with me, I will go, but if you will not go with me, I will not go.” 

Even as adults, the things we’re called to do may seem frightening. What’s important is that we do what God has commanded. 

His quirky request aside, Barak did go to battle and is listed in what is commonly called the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11.  

That’s encouraging.  Barak’s inclusion on the list of heroes shows it’s natural to have a fear of growing up, but God rewards those who are faithful and obedient.