The morning of my high school graduation I was grounded. Let’s just say I wasn’t always a paragon of virtue and leave it at that. My parents needed to give me a hard, full-stop reminder that bad choices have consequences.
Yet in their wisdom, they allowed me to attend the graduation ceremony because the rite of passage was a once-in-a-lifetime event that could not be replicated.
To this day, thinking about that ceremony makes me smile. I am a bit OCD about purging things not in use, but decades later—in the back of a closet—are my tassel and cords. Every time I try to toss them out, they weasel their way back into the “Keep” box.
I’m thankful my parents were wise enough to know … rite of passage matters.
What Are Rites of Passage?
Moving from one stage of life to another is often a process of guided progression, frequently culminating with a ceremony.
In the U.S., high school graduation is often considered a secular right of passage into adulthood. Fraternity and sorority hazing and initiations are other secular rites but, more often than not, rites of passage have religious significance.
Some examples of rites of passage include:
- Baptism
- Bar or Bat Mitzvah
- Confirmation
- Quinceañera
- Eagle Scout Court of Honor
- Weddings
- Hospice
- Funerals
Common rites of passage in other cultures can be radically different from those on American soil.
Tribal cultures may separate adolescents from the tribe for a period of days or weeks. During their absence from the tribe, the youth are exposed to rigors or dangers they will face as adults.
When elders declare them ready, they are reintroduced back to the tribe as adult members of the community. Childhood is over.
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Why Are Rites of Passage So Important?
In the 80’s, Robert Fulghum’s book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten became a bestseller. It had nuggets of insight based on heartwarming tales.
If only life were so simple, we’d all be mature at five years old.
But we’re not.
Unlike pithy words of wisdom soon forgotten, rites of passage are cemented into our memories.
Like the Ebenezer stone in 1 Samuel 7:12, rites of passage are tangible, visible, and intentional. They remind us of past blessings while simultaneously encouraging us to move forward in faith to the next phase of our lives.
Closure to one stage of life and entrance to another is a primary reason rites of passage are so important.
Wedding ceremonies mark a closing of singleness and an entrance into married life. On the contrary, funeral ceremonies guide us to say goodbye to one who has died and transitions us to move forward without them.
Rites of passage matter.
1. They Encourage Independence
Do you ever smile at the photos of little British royals in shorts? Clearly the Brits don’t view five year olds as mature because princes aren’t even supposed to wear pants until age 7 or 8.
For the upper classes in the United Kingdom, wearing long pants is a nominal, yet very visible rite of passage for boys.
It marks a specific point in time when early childhood has ended and adolescence has begun. It’s also the age at which children may be sent to boarding schools.
In 34 countries, a more common rite of passage also begins at age 7—entrance to primary school. As homeschoolers, we don’t delight in handing over our children to be taught elsewhere. Our mantra may be Psalm 32:8:
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”
In that verse, we enthusiastically embrace the “I will,” but there’s another word worth noting. Did you catch it?
In the original Hebrew, the word “go” is yālaḵ, meaning “to move” or “go away” or “walk.”
We don’t need to ship our children to school “across the pond” as the Brits would say, but Psalm 32:8 makes one thing clear:
We are expected to train them for independence.
2. They Discourage Childish Behavior
One reason why rites of passage are important in society is that they establish acceptable standards of conduct.
You likely have a joyful photo of a toddler’s face covered in spaghetti sauce or ice cream. If your teen has a similar selfie, we need to talk.
Acceptable behavior for a child is not appropriate for older youth or adults.
The Bible addresses this plainly in 1 Corinthians 13:11:
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”
How do we help our children give up their childish ways? Clarifying expectations is one way.
Rites of passage help our children make clear distinctions between past, present, and future behavioral expectations.
3. They Mark the Transition into Manhood or Womanhood
As a youth, I had sleep terrors. These weren’t nightmares, but rather intense screaming, flailing, and sleepwalking while in deep sleep with eyes wide open.
Doors were bolted so I didn’t accidentally fall down stairs, and the speech bursting from my mouth was allegedly zany.
My family later recounted tales to me because I had no clue what was said or done. I just knew I was, at times, exhausted.
At 15 years old the madness stopped. I awoke after a particularly violent episode and immediately knew that the sleep terrors had ended.
Transitioning to adulthood isn’t like that.
Yes, there may be intense times of physical changes, crazy talk, and exhaustion. However, unless you’re a butterfly, no one wakes up one day fully mature, ready to burst forth into the world as an adult.
Imagine your surprise at breakfast when your child strolls into the room.…
“Hello mother. I have officially entered manhood and have put off all vestiges of immaturity. Marshmallow cereal and video games, begone! I shall instead have black coffee and diligently apply myself to an essay on the Plantagenets. Don’t trouble yourself making food. I’ve decided to fast as I read through the book of Leviticus.”
No. Abrupt adulthood is not likely nor desirable.
Besides, would you really want to say “goodnight” to a child and awaken unexpectedly to a man or woman?
Few of us can handle shocks to our system, so God’s plan is for incremental maturity over a period of time.
That said, it is important to have a way to mark the transition into manhood or womanhood.
A rite-of-passage event that acknowledges changes that have happened—and those still to come—can minimize drama and help make the transition smoother for everyone.
4. They Help Establish a Healthy Perspective of His or Her Role in Society
Forty-five hours of interest surveys, interviews, and aptitude tests resulted in a detailed assessment report from my college guidance department.
A computer identified two careers for which I was ideally suited. The first? Vice President of the United States.
The second was even more ludicrous.
Though initially flattered to think I was VP material, ultimately the information wasn’t helpful.
Those 15 weeks would have been better spent reading Tolstoy. He observed, “Everyone thinks of changing the world. No one thinks of changing himself.”
I desperately wanted to know:
“What should I do with my life?”
However, Tolstoy gives us a better question:
“Who do you want to be?”
Only when that question is answered can you move forward to do as Ephesians 4:22-24 says:
“Put off your old self … be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”
When we focus on renewing our minds in Christ, we become what our calling requires—whatever that role may be.
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
A rite of passage can reinforce to your teen a resounding truth:
Who God wants them to be transcends what they want to do.
Career, family, or health can be taken away in an instant, but their character will go with them into eternity.
Celebrate Your Young Man with a “Rite of Passage” Evening
Few of us live in the social circles requiring short pants for boys until age 7, but even tribal cultures understand the importance of recognizing when a boy transitions to manhood.
Whether you decide to host a special evening—private or public—there are a few basics to include.
You can plan an event on your own or use a guide such as Celebrating Manhood.
welcome your son into the world of men
What’s important is that your son is affirmed in his manhood, is provided guidance to embrace adulthood, and is nurtured in his walk with God.
In cultures like ours that “call evil good, and good evil” (Isa 5:20), it’s especially important for Christians to know why rites of passage are important.
Such blessed celebrations become etched in memories, encouraging our adult children to persevere in a world filled with tribulation.
