EVERY FATHER LEAVES HIS MARK ON HIS CHILD.
THAT MARK CAN IMPACT GENERATIONS.
My father became my dear friend before he passed into eternity. But we had a difficult history.
(He didn’t become a believer until late in life.)
Before choosing to follow Jesus, he made choices that were incredibly destructive to our family.
Those choices left marks on me—marks of:
- anger
- rejection
- and abandonment.
Consequently, I grew up with a distorted picture of the role of a father.
But when I became a believer, that distorted picture was gradually replaced by one that displayed the beauty of biblical fatherhood.
Destructive marks were replaced with marks of:
- grace
- acceptance
- and faithfulness.
What is the role of a father?
Years later, as I worked on an article about the role of a father, I was side-swiped by emotion.
I didn’t anticipate how deeply it would affect me.
(This topic can be really painful for some of us.)
But hearing godly men tell stories of their experiences as fathers and sons, I experienced a wave of healing.
I learned what role of a father in the family was designed to be.
welcome your son into the world of men
If you are interested in exploring the responsibilities of a father, keep reading. I’m sharing the insights and practical tips offered by the men I interviewed.
If you’re ready, let’s take a deep breath and dive in….
3 Marks of Godly Fatherhood
1. THE MARK OF FAITHFULNESS
CHILDREN ARE MARKED FOREVER BY FAITHFUL LOVE.
In a world that feels increasingly unstable, it’s a profound blessing for children to know they can depend upon their dad.
“I knew my father would be faithful,” remarked Scott, family counselor and father of three.
“He was consistent. I counted on him. I didn’t fear that he would turn his love away from me.
“There were moments I questioned his love … moments I felt his chastisement (sometimes deserved, sometimes not)—but I knew he would be there.
And that he would provide for me.”
2. THE MARK OF ACCEPTANCE
CHILDREN THRIVE WHEN THEY KNOW THEIR FATHER’S ACCEPTANCE IS NOT PERFORMANCE-BASED.
In a world that often accepts or rejects us based on what we can do for it, it’s a blessing for children to know they are unconditionally loved and accepted.
Frank, father of two, talks about how his father’s acceptance marked him:
“Although … things in our house were tough … my father never ridiculed me or put me down, so I always felt I belonged in the family.
“There were things that I wished had been different, but I never wished I had a different dad.”
3. THE MARK OF COMMITMENT
CHILDREN OBSERVE HOW WE RELATE TO THE WORLD. THEY ARE MARKED BY OUR INTEGRITY.
In a world full of corruption and broken promises, it’s a blessing for children to see fathers do what is right and keep their commitments.
Scott was marked by his father’s steady commitment to ministry.
“It was a privilege to have a dad who was unashamed of who or what he was.
“He was ridiculed by all sorts of people … for being so foolish as to give up everything to become a missionary.
“I felt the sting of those comments growing up…. I even agreed with some of them.
“But to see a man who had conviction and a commitment to what God called him to do….
“There are … ways my dad could have been a much better father … still, I am privileged to be the son of a man who focused on that which really mattered in a way I’ll never forget.”
IF YOU ARE A FATHER, YOU, TOO, WILL INDELIBLY MARK YOUR CHILD.
welcome your son into the world of men
3 Practices for Fathers Who Want To Strategically Invest In Their Children
It seems a little ironic that such an important facet of our lives—our family relationships—often receive so little strategic planning.
”Most men don’t give fathering the kind of intensity that we give work,” explains Tim, director of father-son / father-daughter retreats.
”We don’t set goals. We just hope it happens.”
TO BE A SKILLFUL FATHER, YOU MUST BE INTENTIONAL.
What does it mean to be intentional?
The men I interviewed described three practices that are essential if you want your children to feel loved:
1. BE THERE
Even your absence will mark your child.
Scott worked with junior high school students for more than 15 years. He observed:
“Most kids just want time with mom and dad.
“That’s probably the toughest thing for a parent to give.
“But I’m not sure a kid can be convinced their parents really love them without their parents investing time.”
You can have the right intentions and the wrong actions.
Another man explained that no material possession could satisfy his need for time with his father.
“Dad basically fathered me by buying me things.
“One of his motivations for working so hard was to be a good provider for us.
“He wanted us to experience life’s best, but that often came at the expense of what I really needed—which was to be with him.”
When you think about your busy schedule, do you wonder how you can carve out time to simply “be there”?
Skillfully fathering requires prioritizing wisely.
As Tim points out:
“You have to say ‘no’ to some good things to say ‘yes’ to the right things.
”You only have your children for a season. Once that season is gone, it’s gone.”
YOU CARVED OUT TIME TO BE WITH YOUR CHILD, BUT WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE TOGETHER?
2. LISTEN
Listening is central to loving.
Reflecting on his relationship with his father, one man talked about the pain and frustration caused by his father’s inability to listen:
“Some of my worst childhood memories involved trying to communicate things to my dad and not have him really listen or understand.
“It didn’t seem like he ever understood.
“For some reason, there was a wall that we could not get over.”
A 65-year-old man reflected upon his failures as a dad. He gave this advice to men who are still in the season of raising their children:
“Pay more attention to your kids.
“See what they’re going through and try to help.
“If you can’t help, put yourself in a position where they can share what they’re feeling.
“Listen closely. Let them talk without fear of being criticized.”
Regardless of the past, you can learn how to become a better listener today.
As Steven Covey pointed out in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:
“You’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening?
“What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual’s own frame of reference?”
Steven Covey’s chapter on empathic listening is a great place to begin your study.
Some of the best activities to engage in with your child are those which provide the opportunity for spontaneous conversation.
3. HAVE FUN
Think back to your own childhood. What were some of your favorite things to do?
- toss around a softball
- go fishing at the forest preserve
- build a model together
Roger, father of two, recommends:
“Do anything where your children are included—not as someone who’s tagging along because there’s no one to watch them—but where they are actually invited to be participants and treated as such.
“Be careful not to become so caught up in the activity that you forget why you’re doing it in the first place.”
When you engage in a project with your child, keep your primary objective in mind. Perfect results or efficiency in completing an activity has to be second to the experience of doing it together.
Dick, who invested several years leading a dad’s ministry, urges dads to enter their kids’ world.
“Sometimes you’ve got to put the parent deal behind you, get on all fours, and just goof off with your kids!”
When Mark’s kids were still little, he did just that.
He called his preschool son from work and growled like the Lion King on the telephone with him.
When he came home at night, he made it a point to playfully wrestle with his kids.
And—though he knew his neighbors would think he was a nut—he did silly things with his kids like singing and marching the elephant march in his front yard.
BE THERE, LISTEN, HAVE FUN!
Do you recall how much time you spent as a child listening to people tell you what to do? Imagine how your children will feel if you make a special date with them—and invite them to set the agenda.
THE CHALLENGE:
Will you make time this week to mark your children with love?
WELCOME YOUR SON TO THE WORLD OF MEN WITH A FREE PRINTABLE POSTER!
Just print & hang!
3 Important Lessons Fathers Teach Their Children
1. TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT YOU
“I felt like a stranger around my dad,” declared one man. “I never really knew him.”
Take action to counteract feelings of distance.
Tell stories about your life.
You might be surprised to discover how much your kids want to learn about you!
Scott recalls listening to his dad tell stories about growing up, dating his mom, and other things which taught him a lot and which he still cherishes.
2. TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT MARRIAGE BY LOVING YOUR WIFE
Children today are often plagued by thoughts of divorce.
The absence of love in a marriage has profound consequences for children. As one unmarried man explained:
“There wasn’t a lot of love between my parents, so I don’t quite know how that works between married people.”
Speaking of his parents, another man said,
“If they would’ve loved each other, it would’ve been like the world to me!”
You create a profound sense of security for your children by honoring the vows that you made on your wedding day.
3. TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT GOD
Describing how Jesus sets the standard for fatherly love, Roger explained:
“God’s love is unconditional, but at the same time He judges us.
“That’s a wonderful balance—to say to your child: ‘You’re wrong,’ and to carry out discipline, and yet not have your love waver in any way.”
Which brings us to the final and most essential component of your plan—love your children.
4 Ways Fathers Can Love Their Children
Love has many forms and requirements.
Here are four daily practices essential for the emotional and spiritual health of your children:
1. Be a student of your child
Observe your children’s strengths and weaknesses, and give them a vision of what they can become.
Roger suggested:
“Build them up in gift areas and be a friend in areas where they struggle.”
2. Be tender
Tuck your children in at night.
Scott suggested:
“Whether your children are toddlers or in high school, you can walk into their room and say ‘I love you. I’m glad you’re my children. I’m proud of you.’”
3. Affirm your child
Catch your child doing something right, and celebrate it.
Randy, father of a college-aged son, suggested:
“Every time you come in contact with your children, give them a little shot of encouragement, affirmation, and support.”
4. Take responsibility
One man described how he was marked by his dad’s anger issues.
“Sometimes, for whatever reason, something would trigger inside of my dad and ‘all hell would break loose.’
“I remember him exploding with anger and me running for cover.
“As a kid, I deduced that something about me was inherently wrong and did this to him because he would say things like: ‘You make me so angry!’
“The fathers that I admire are honest with their children. They admit their failures and ask for forgiveness from their kids.”
It takes a mature man to admit when he is wrong, especially to his child. That’s exactly what godly fathers do.
welcome your son into the world of men
The Legacy of a Father
Whatever you do, don’t give up.
Speaking from his experience with hosting family retreats, Dick insists:
“I don’t care if you’re 75 and your son is 45.—it’s never too late for a father to reach his child.
“A child always yearns to have a close, real relationship with his father.”
MARKED FOR GENERATIONS
To be a skillful father, you will need nearly inexhaustible patience, wisdom, and strength.
But don’t be discouraged—help is available.
As Tim explained:
“I’ve had to rely on God’s power and strength to change those parts of me that need to be changed.
“You know how your dad was? That’s how you will be unless you go after some changes. Because all you do as a dad is model what you were taught.”
Dick stressed the benefits of developing relationships with men who have had the humility to seek help from the only Perfect Father.
“All of us want to be known. We want to be able to share our lives with our father.
“The good news is that our Heavenly Father knows us.
“And as we come to a deeper and deeper understanding of the truth that we are known, and that we are loved … a lot of healing comes.”
The benefits of that healing reach into the future.
If it changes the current father-child relationship, it’s going to change the next fathering relationship.
And it will change generations to come.
WHAT KIND OF MARK WILL YOU LEAVE AS A FATHER?
